Blessed Light

I've come home after almost 10 hours at work with rotten, abusive, self-absorbed, entitled customers, and a rotten, deceptive, gimlet-eyed management, for all their "appreciation" (do they think I am that stupid?). The word that comes to mind for all of this is, "ugly". While I love beauty. So many customers and others sure take the "Christ" out of "Christmas". I'm working 11 hours tomorrow, and the following day. 6 days this week. I won't do more.

I turn on the tv to the local PBS station, and I see menorahs on stage and hear Jewish music and I'm crying. Lately, I've taken to wearing a "chai", but tomorrow I will up the ante and wear my Magen David. The holiday shopping just offends me and pisses me off; I don't see the value in the proliferation of electric lights (which I love to see) , either, except for a real desire for meaning. This year, the lights took on an obscene tint, when all around, others had electricity, which meant heat and light (and showers) during freezing temperatures, and our block did not.

I plan on volunteering at the homeless shelter this Sunday, depending on my schedule. At this point, I will do it. My note of tentativeness to the Social Action chair got me a cheery note saying, "Oh, don't worry. We have enough people". Well, just stick needles in my eyes and stab me in the heart. I need to do this! I need to feel like a Jew! To do Jewish things! I want to do something with Jews, and do something that I love to do, for a change. It's rather sad, that I cannot do what comes naturally.

It's all just plain weird. For me, this is Sheol.

Two years ago, I sojourned in Israel with my Rav z"l, and synagogue familiars (oh, I am so grateful, now!). No Christmas lights, no holiday music, no frantic shopping (except for the tourists, oy! OK, I was one!) Largely, the rhythm of marvelous, vivid, Life. Jewish Life (see Israel Reflections on the sidebar). I remember Zion; may my right hand wither if I ever forget, etc. I'm sitting and crying by the rivers of Babylon.

I am so grateful to all those who comment in such touchingly supportive ways. It helps me know that there are Jews out there (as well as non-Jews, including my best friend), with me, and that is the greatest light that I could ask for. It keeps me going. Thank you. You are the true miracle and blessing.

PS. I don't feel like a victim. I feel rather frustrated, and I have a terrible longing, and that's it. I hope that comes across.

Festival of Darkness

Hannukah is when I decided to leave my marriage.

Hannukah is when it is darkest.

This year, Hannukah has meant no electricity, sleeping in below freezing temps, while the temp in the room is 51 F. Oh yeah, it's fun coming home from a brutal day of work dealing with soulless, entitled, crybabies, to fingers numbing into frost bite, when you wake up and discover somehow they escaped the down shelter of the comforter.

Yeah, I am not impressed by Hannukah.

Moreover, it was created/instituted by the Sages, not inherent to the Torah, a minor holiday. And it's not even clear what that victory was about- because later, as I understand it, the revolt of the Maccabbees set off a terrible moral and religious decline. Ya never know. I guess the miracle of the oil wasn't enough.

Or perhaps, it was only meant for the moment, that celebration, that triumph, but like everything, like every other event in life, it happens and passes, and then who knows what might happen subsequently. So, for the moment, let's enjoy the miracle and the light. Cause that's all we've got.

May the darkness be dispelled, and may we ever walk in light, and know the age of miracles.